A doll in a Music Box

I know it's already night time and people are already changing due to the change of our dimensional world. I always ask  myself, what would I be in the future? And how is this possible?

I thought and thought till I came up with none but in the end I still had my doubts:

IF I become a dancer, I hope I won't only get minor roles.
IF I do become a violinist, I hope I'd learn what orchestra means.
IF I do become a part-time actor, I hope I understand what I'm doing.
IF I do earn millions of cash, I hope to spend it wisely.
IF the future I planned worked out, I hope it won't fail.
IF life permits me to do something great, I would build a big mansion.
IF life permits me to do something big, I would make a school with a couple of friends.
IF the world permits me to travel, I'd like to go to Japan.
IF the possibilities of these things I wrote is less than 50%, then the only thing I can do is to HOPE.

You might think I'm very random about life and say "don't worry, life will work well for you." But I don't really think so. Life is hard as everyone says.

But how hard can it get when you get bruises and wounds, scars and even nightmares from each time you try, and each time you fail?
How wrong can you go beyond the limits of your life when you know that there's nothing left but a mere wall of destruction or hope?
How high can you make it, when each time you try to fly, you lose sight and fall down?
How much pain do I need to get before my heart tears itself apart?
How much words do I need to say before you accept my million apologies?
How much tears do I need to shed for my life to be all good again?
How many nightmares do I have to sleep with just to enter a peaceful dream?
How many scars do I need to get before everyone notice my hard work of excellence and pain?
How long does time wants me to live when I feel so good as death?
How much time is it left for me to start regretting my actions?
How many minutes are left for me to turn everything back to the way it was?
How many seconds are there left for me to say a simple word called: love to everyone who left me?

How much sacrifices do I need to do just to attain happiness?

I can't answer all these questions. I don't know what else to say but I feel so gothic and emotional right now. Sometimes, I ask myself:

"Why can't my life be so dramatic as who I am? Why can't my life be so upsetting as how I want it to? Why can't  I be the one with a story to tell? Why can't my life be something I'd talk about deeply in my heart? It's a play in my head that won't stop playing. It's a song in my heart that won't stop singing. It's a dance for my body that won't stop dancing. That's how cruel life it is to me. Treating each and everybody like...

...a doll in a music box"